Treasuring the Memories

Tomorrow ... Seriously ? It seems like yesterday. How does time pass so quickly. Just going along day by day...doing life. It just creeps up on you.

6 months ago tomorrow my Momma passed away.

I miss my Momma !!! I miss her voice, her laughter, her hugs....I miss her. I want to smell her. I want to touch her. I want to sit with her and talk about anything and everything. I miss everything about her. I keep one of her shirts in a zip lock bag in my closet. I love the smell. 

Everyone says that it gets easier and it does a little each day ...but the emptiness is always there. I pick up the phone to call her and feel a sharp pain when I realize she is gone. It still feels like a dream. Like she will be getting home soon from a long trip. She will call and say "Why haven't you called your "Mother"? =). 

We are left with memories.  The memories have become a treasure to us all. The pictures, the videos are priceless. So many of them....One of my favorite memories was making mud pies with my Mom....another is watching her place co-ed softball. She was the pitcher and I was always proud to watch her play. (I know...why didn't I get those athletic talents from her....that is what you are thinking if you have seen me play softball). Another one was seeing her with her Grandchildren. She would work (If you knew my Mom you knew she worked hard  !!) and still have energy  for the kids. She loved being around them. They loved her. 

My Mom left us but she will never leave our hearts. 

There are so many memories...I am so thankful for them. 

We all should treat each day remembering that it could be a memory. What do you want remembered ? That you were not nice or that you were friendly... That you always had something negative to say or that you were positive and full of joy. I want to make good memories. I want to laugh, smile, hug, ...love =) 

I want to leave memories just like my Momma did. =) 

Getting through the "firsts"

The holidays have left me with mixed emotions this year. I know that I have to get them over with. They say the first of everything is the hardest so I am ready to get to it and get past them. Everyone is in the hustle and bustle of meal planning, gift buying, house decorating and  I just sit numb to it all. I hear that it never gets better...but easier with time. I want to be back to normal and be in that buzz with everyone else... at this point I do not know if I will ever look at them the same again. It just seem so small in comparison to what is really important. Having the color coordinated cups, napkins, and place mats...it just doesn't seem to matter right now.

We were on the way to church when we got the call from my step-father. Mom was being taken to the hospital by ambulance. They think she had a stroke. Rhett and I made it there in 2 hours. She had a major stroke and she was paralyzed on her left side. I spent the next 10 days in that hospital with my Mom, step-father, sister, and step-sister and many others that came daily. My Mom was a trooper. She was polite to every person who came into her room. She thanked the nurses who gave her shots, she thanked the cleaning lady who changed the trash and swept the floor. That was how my Mom was, how she raised us.

She was a hard working woman. She worked for 38 years at the same plant. She worked 2nd jobs throughout the years. She had just retired this year. It was her time to have some rest and relaxation.

Funny how God changes the plans "we" make. 

The 10 days in the hospital with Mom taught me so many things. Someone had posted on my facebook  about her showing us her last lesson in life. That was so true !! She was in pain from her brain swelling and yet she took the time to praise God with each opportunity she was given. She was in pain and she still managed to be kind. She was very loving through it all.

On Tuesday we got the news that her brain was swelling and things were not looking good. Mom told us there would be no crying. My Mom knew it was in Gods hands... that there would be no more suffering and she would be dancing in heaven.

On Wednesday we got better news ..there was minimal swelling. That day she got to sit up in a chair. They said if she could sit for 30 minutes that would be great. Remember when I said my Mom was a trooper ?? My Mom sat in that chair for over 8 hours !!! That night the room was filled with some of her grandkids and friends and more family. Rhett and the boys got to come from Bolivar to see her. Mom got to visit with each one of them.

On Thursday we got more bad news. The brain was still swelling, she was not as responsive. We went from high to low in less than 24 hours. That day my Mom still continued to praise God with her hand in the air every time we played her favorite praise music in the room. 

She continued to bless us and show us what was most important.

Mom passed away peacefully September 26th. My sister Shannon and I were both by her side as she took her last breath. I am so sad she is gone. You never think it will happen to you. I miss her so much. I am also so thankful. The 10 days I got to spend loving on my Mom with my family are priceless and I would not take them back. She was an awesome example. If you ask me, she left this life way too early. However, in the short amount of time she was here she touched so many. The lady that cleaned her room each day at the hospital attended the funeral and cried with us. She had only known her from the visit in the hospital.

What a testimony. How many people do we have the opportunity to touch each day? 

Thankfully, Mom had been diagnosed with cancer in May. Yes... I am thankful for that . We talked more, visited more, laughed more, hugged more, said I love you more. I am very thankful for the diagnosis that made me remember what is more important...laundry or that phone call full of laughs, tears, and love. The house being spotless or the day trip where you sit side by side on the couch and talk about life.

I hurt, and I am also joyful. I am joyful knowing she is in no pain.

 I am thankful that my Mom was able to testify of God's love during those 10 days. I am thankful for the love and support we had from friends and family. I am thankful for great memories.

  I am thankful for the peace, strength, and love that only God can provide. 

Our Roadtrip

A great friend sent me these little "words to live by".....

In life we do things. Some we wish we had never done. Some we wish we could replay a million times in our heads. But they all make us who we are. And in the end they shape every detail about us. If we were to reverse any of them we wouldn't be the person we are. So just live, Make mistakes, Have wonderful memories, But never ever second guess who you are, Where you have been, And most importantly where it is your going.

It made me cry. The last few years have been full of changes, lessons, and learning.

I feel like our life is a road trip. Our maps are all different. On each of our maps we see our starting point, some focal points along the way, but my destination has not always been clear. On this life's road trip I have done many things I wish I had never done. On my road trip earlier in life I wish I would have been a better sister, daughter, friend. I wish I would have not been so lazy in school. I wish I would have never taken my time with my Grandparents, parents for granted. I wish I would not worried about what about everyone thought.

There are things that I replay over and over again in my head. . Sometimes I say if I had only known then what I know now. We all have thought that .. haven't we ?? We would have been nicer, tried harder, studied harder, sang more, laughed more, worked more, saved more. All the coulda, shoulda, wouldas =) We all have them.

I second guess myself less than I used to but still more than I should. Sometimes it is hard not to look back, to beat yourself up, to second guess our choices. Although I do struggle from time to time ...more with some things than others ...I am learning !!  It is true. Those choices have gotten me to where I am today. I realize that I must live in the moment. The moments of the past have made me who I am. I make mistakes ...daily ...ask my family, close friends, and co-workers. We could let our mistakes pull us down and keep us there. But I am choosing not to. My mistakes do not make me who I am.
My map is full of memories that are created each day. I have learned how to laugh. This goes along with worrying about what people think. I have learned to enjoy funny moments. I have a corny laugh. And it is loud. It really is...I know because I have a friend in particular who laughs all the time with me and this person says it is =). But you know what.... I am not worried about what people think .... so I laugh alot =)  Most of my great memories come from times of laughter with my friends and family. And now that my bladder is fixed I will laugh even more with no worries !! Woot Woot

I have so much to learn, live, experience !! I do not want to look back in 20 years and have any couldas, shouldas, wouldas like the first part of my road trip. My road trip in life is a one way trip with no roadblocks....just some little detours that keep me on my toes, exploring new things like a child does, making new memories and learning. Not every road I take is smooth. I have the hills that require an extra push, the bumpy road that requires me to hold on and push on through, the curvy road that makes my stomach ache. All of those roads lead me to my destination and being who I am and want to continue being. As I look back at my map I want to say.... Wow !! Look at the road trip you made to get to where you are. What a ride =)

Time to make time

Why do we get so busy ? So busy we do not make that call to family members or friends that we keep putting off for the right moment. I always think I will make that call from the car on the way into work or in between stops, after work, after dinner, after this show, after I get the house cleaned, the car cleaned (if you have rode in my car you know that does not happen very often !!) . How many cards have I written and never mailed? (I have an envelope of stamps I have tore off of cards I never mailed)  How many times do we think of someone and think I need to tell her/him that and let that moment pass ? I am bad about calls, cards, emails...but I have a rule concerning texting and facebook posts. If I feel something, have a thought I need to share, a compliment, a prayer for someone, sometimes it just a feeling... I text or facebook that person =) Rhett has not always been understanding of my need to do this !! He has learned to tolerate my texting and facebooking over the last year. He has given his blessing on this need of mine and I appreciate him doing so.
Today I got a call from my step-father. My Mom has been sick and to the Dr. 2 times. She was told she has pneumonia, received a shot and some meds sent home to get better. When we talk on the phone it is not for more than 3 minutes because she cannot talk without coughing. Yesterday I told her she needed to go back and tell them she needed to stay because she was not getting better. I can still hear his shaky voice and I knew it was not a social call. He said  " I am sorry to have to use this word but they think she has cancer."....... I felt like someone just took my skip out of my step, the wind from my sails. What ?? Seriously ? My afternoon has been spent praying, crying, talking to my sisters and texts from friends. My Mom just retired !! She has worked my lifetime. For years she worked jobs that many men could not work. She outworked men half her age. She worked 2, 3 jobs at a time. She is a worker =) It is hard to see her suffer and to be weak. It is not the Momma I know. I have these pestering feelings of guilt. Why have I not been better at making calls, why do I not visit more? My Mom does not do facebook, texting... but that should not be my excuse...  No matter what the results we get from her tests tomorrow, I have already decided that I will make phone calls, will send the letters, will visit more. I will not be too busy =) There is never a better moment, the house will never be clean enough, there will always be another movie to watch, toilet to clean, cookie to burn, load of laundry to do...and yes they must be done..but those things do not make memories.

Me and my Momma =)

Hi ! My name is Jenifer and I am a hugger.

I am a hugger !! My intentions are good. I promise. I know that everyone is not a hugger and they have their "boundaries".  I have offered hug lessons jokingly to some friends.  I can help you =)
I grew up in a hugging family. We hugged when we left the house. Back then we didn't have cell phones, so when you left the house you hugged everyone bye and narrowed down the time you were expected home.  We always said goodbye. Never did we walk out the door without some sort of shout of love or squeeze. When we had family gatherings we hugged, (and hugged) when we got there and before we left. Yes, it took some time to get through everyone, but it was expected. When Rhett and I started dating I was 16 and he was 20. I can guarantee you they did not hug him that first night he came to pick me up. Actually, they had a chair in the middle of the front room where he sat and they fired questions about what he wanted with their daughter. I stood patiently (My pink pants were ironed and I did not want wrinkles) and wished they would just all hug and get it over with. He did not come from a hugging family. Imagine the torture he endured at family gatherings =) Even worse, imagine what his family thought of me always going in for a tight squeeze around the neck !! It makes me laugh now. If you know Rhett now then you know he survived and he is now a proud hugger. We even have 3 hugging boys. I love that they are affectionate. I have watched the boys and their friends go through some pretty tough times lately and I have seen some extreme hugging going on. Warms my heart to see young men and women comfort each other like that.
If you are not a hugger, it is OK. I do not judge you =) I do kinda feel sorry for you. Hugging is a such a great way to communicate, to connect, to comfort, to celebrate. YES !! It does all those things. Makes you want to try it.... go ahead go hug someone and come right back.................................................
Feel better ? Let's go over your technique. Did you put your arms around loosely where only your forearms are touching and do a little "pat pat pat" ?? Did you ? I will send you a sign up sheet for my hugging lessons.
There are different types of hugs for different situations and "boundaries". There are bear hugs, group hugs, man hug, missed you hug, side to side hug, awkward hugs.
 I like my hugs like this... arms all the way around and tight around the huggee and held for longer than a few seconds, and always to my good ear =) Sometimes it calls for jumping up and down, sometimes laughter, sometimes crying, sometimes prayer, but I always "wrap up and hold".  I love for my days to be filled with smiles, laughter, and hugs. All 3 of those wonderful things can change someones day !! Woot Woot
If you are not a hugger I encourage you to look into this habit. I did some research and there is even Hugging Etiquette. There are also health benefits !! I am serious =)
When you hug someone there is that instant connection. You are showing love. People need to be connected and we need to feel loved. I challenge you to smile, laugh, and hug.

Roadblocks not allowed... Detours only

Today I had an MRI... Just a follow up from September of last year. The last few days as I have made arrangements to make it to my appointment my mind wandered to that week in September  leading up to my visit to ICU. You know how you are going on in life... everything is good.. Then bam !! Yep !! I had a roadblock......  Life was good. I had successfully lost my weight and was living a healthy lifestyle.. I was eating good, I was working out like a mad woman... I was doing Insanity and loving it. I was almost to my goal weight and felt like I could do anything.... BAM. I lost my energy. I didn't make it to the last 2 weeks of the Insanity workout that I had going with 3 other awesome ladies... When you get up at 4 am to do Insanity.. You are kinda "insane" =)  .. The 4th week in Sept I was not feeling my best. I had lunch with Aaron and Ash and he kept telling me he thought I was having a stroke because I was talking funny. I ended up at the Dr.'s office and so thankful I made it there that day. I have never had a headache like I did that day. I could not get my words out. As soon as they took my blood pressure panic was in the air !!! I heard the nurse say "Joe, it is at 300 and still going". I have never had bp problems and had no idea how bad that really was at the moment. I just knew that with the amount of pain I was in and the scrambling to call Rhett, to turn the lights out and to have the ambulance on the way I was not doing so well. My bp was somewhere around 300 over 180. Craziness !!! My first ride in an ambulance.. Woot Woot =)
Poor Rhett !! He was not sure he was going to make it to the hospital to see me ... he beat me there and he never left my side. He kept telling me I was getting better when really no one knew what was going on. It took hours to get my bp down. I kept asking him to tell me if I was dying because I wanted to know. They kept letting people in to see me and I knew they didn't let people come in like that in ICU .....AND my family drove from KS and OK through the night....AND my boss came home from a hunting trip that he had just left for that morning....So I just knew Rhett was hiding something from me. At one time my kids and some of their friends were in there and 2 of them were sniffling.. I remember asking Rhett "are you SURE I am going to make it?" It wasn't until days later I found out they were just suffering from allergies =)  I made it through the night and they got everything under control and really didn't have any answers to our questions...just to follow up for more testing. The next day I was released.. And guess what was scheduled for that day ?? Burgundy Ball =) Yep !! After many conversations about why we should and should not go... we went. Where would I be safer... at home with no medical help for a few miles OR Burgundy Ball... surrounded with nurses and Dr.'s ??  =) I did get some "what in the world are you doing here" from some of the nurses that were in ICU with me and others that had heard about my visit. Seriously, I couldn't pass up hearing Henry Winkler speak =) 
We all have these things happen to us throughout our lives that we do not expect, that we are not prepared for. Some of us have more than others. How we handle them is up to us. We can say we ran into a roadblock and there is no going forward OR we can decide that the problem we are facing is just a detour. 

A detour is a deviation from a direct course of action

I am on a detour . My original road would have taken me to my goal weight and being able to continue working out and becoming healthier and stronger without any hospital stays and new medications. My detour has given me frustration, depression, continually checking bp, taking medicine, going to the gym and leaving crying, to now be feeling better, on my 4th week of P90X with 2 awesome girlfriends at 5:30 a.m., to a follow up MRI to make sure that the spot on my brain from my small stroke has not changed. ...My detour has taught me many things !!! ~God answers prayers~Life is precious~ My most precious things are NOT things~I need to be thankful for the big and little things~ I am soooooo blessed.  Being joyful is good for your health.
If you run into a roadblock remember it is up to you to make it a detour. On our detours (I know I will have many more detours throughout my life) my prayer is that you will be able to learn, grow, and love the life you have through the good and bad. Woot Woot =)


                                                    Here is our Burgundy Ball picture =)

I'm a blogger ?

I am starting a new journey. Yep, a blogger. Not because it is the "in thing to do", or because I feel like I need to keep up with all my successful blogger friends. Nope !! It is so I can say "who says I can't". First, let me get some housekeeping things out of the way. I am a terrible speller and thankful to see that spell check up there (and you will notice that I even spelled my blog title wrong !!! ). I write like I speak, so you may grit your teeth if that bothers you. I also tend to put a lot...yes a lot of ..... (dots), =) (smiles), !!!!! (exclamation points), and I say WOOT WOOT a lot. If you can handle that then we are going to get along just fine. .....=) =) Woot Woot !!!

How and why is my blog called "Who says I can't"?...... Growing up I never knew I could do anything I put my mind too. I did not realize this until I was in my late 30"s - early 40's. I know, that is sad. I just didn't know. I was so full of self doubt. That doubt kept me from soooo many things. Friendships, job opportunities, school opportunities, activities. An example.... I didn't dare wear anything that would make me stand out in an odd way. I love to see kids that are full of self-confidence and are able to be themselves. It may be some wild hair style, an outfit that does not match in color. I admire that in a teenager that is surrounded with peer pressure and that silly thinking that we need to all match and fit in. I also didn't try out for plays, did not get involved in activities. I did not push myself. I did not want to fail. Failure is what I expected. Jump to my late 30's, early 40's. I decided that at 40 I should be in control of who I am. I had a lot of weight to lose  !!! Where I had let my self go to was not pretty !! It was sad ...very sad. I made up my mind that I was going to change my body and in the process I made changes to my way of thinking. Along the weight loss journey I discovered that I AM CAPABLE of ANYTHING that I put my mind too. I am NOT a failure.
 What a journey it has been. I still have doubt, I still have fears, I am far from where I need to be.....but I am not stuck in that feeling of failure, of self doubt and I have to say it is a great place to be. =) Woot Woot !!